Well I am barely awake, but I wanted to post before I went to sleep.
I miss Victoria so incredibly much! She is home with her parents sorting through things and shopping for dresses. I really miss being able to talk to her often. But everything she is doing there is in preperation for our life together...so I will get by =0)
Monday is her first day at her new job! I wish her tons of luck! This will mean less talking time since she will work when I am home and I will be at work when she gets home. But we should get an hour or two each night and more time on some other nights. Of course this is important because the money will be quite, quite useful! I am going to work as many hours as I can physically withstand as well to be sure that we go out there with as much money as we can have.
At skating tonight, during the couples skates that end the evening, they were playing one of their slow songs (I can't remember what it was, but most likely it was one of the ones that they repeat often as they do not offer much of a selection because they seem to refuse to play much of anything half decent.) and I had this strong feeling. It made me miss Victoria so much. It must have been something in the way of everyone else skating with someone and sharing those personal close moments. I didn't want to skate with anyone. I wasn't feeling the way I felt simply because I was alone on the bench taking my blades off and putting my sneakers on, but mainly it was because it made me think of her more in general and realize as I do every second of every day about how much less meaning there is in my life without her.
Which in and of itself is rediculous because I am not "without" her. I don't think that I will ever be and if God lets me have my way this time, I will never have to experience that.
I got that weird combination of feelings: missing her because she isn't around and feeling alone, but knowing that I am not alone because I know that she is where she is thinking about me. She misses me as well and wants to talk to me...no...go one better on that: She wants to wake up next to me each morning as badly as I want to see her smile when I wake up every morning.
I can't wait to feel the "pressures" of the previous day slip away when I see that morning smile of her's even though with her there are very few pressures to speak of anyway.
Feeling that arm around me as I drift from a state of sleep to partial awakeness...making me smile as I drift back down to sleep so that I can dream of her holding me. That way I don't miss out on a moment of feeling her arm, yet I am refreshed when we awaken.
I was thinking about her face extensively this weekend. She was sending me older pictures of her from her family computer at her parents' house.
I can vividly remember that I see a few different faces when I look at her. Each one is as beautiful to me as the next, but each one has its very own specialness that makes me look forward to it.
One face that I feel is very beautiful is not too long after she has finished crying. Not that I would wish anything upon her to make her cry, but it is another reward for helping to end her crying. Seeing that face. I am not sure what it is about it.
Well actually I do somewhat... I have always been very into eyes and I believe that hers are amongst the most beautiful that I have ever seen. And all the glory within her shimmering eyes as the light reflects off of old, uncried tears is beyond breathtaking.
Goodnight Jellybean, I love you.
And pleasant dreams to all the rest of you out there. I am pretty sure that most of you are already asleep as I type this. I am quick to join you.
Goodnight all.
3:40 A.M. - March 30, 2002
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